quod me nutrit me destruit

^^ yeah check it out. how's my latin?^^

bleh. everything i have eaten in the past two days is out of a packet.

i want real food.

wait, no. that's a lie. what i really want is to undo all the food from the past two days.
i can't believe i've been such a pig.

ew.

although. if i gain a little weight, i could be all like "exams made me gain like five kilos" and then possibly parentals would approve the soup diet. but maybe they wouldn't and i'd just be fatter. that would be funny though.
why the hell can't i break that magic number? is it that hard to go <130?

you are what you eat and you are fat. obese. wretched. disgusting. a blob of disease rotting your pathetic life away, taking up too much space on a planet only fit for thin. - what a girl eats.

gah. looking at me makes me sick. its disgusting. i don't even have ribs any more.

apparently i have small bones as well. and i know i have very little muscle mass so don't even try attributing it to that. fuck it. i weigh more than he does. you know how utterly sad that is?

fat girls can't wear nice shoes. that's a fact, did you know it? nice shoes make fat girls look fatter.
i have no nice shoes.

went shopping with laura. i'm twice her clothing size. everything good only comes in small.

did you know that the average american woman is 5'4" tall and weighs 140 lb? ((lol for using imperial measurements)). thats really quite overweight. so when people tell you that you are about average weight, just think of what they are saying.

i want your heart-shaped lips lips
cooler hula hips
i want to feel my bones on your bones
yeah
i wear my heartache at my sleeve
i love myself too much to see
it haunts my dreams
it haunts my every dream

every boy wants a body to die for and
every girl who's thin is his rival
i wish i had a body to die for
skinny is sexy big isn't beautiful

i'm gonna shed me some skin
get me real real slim
i want to feel my bones on your bones
baby
i am a teenage drama queen,
i throw my guts up for self-esteem
it haunts my dreams
it haunts my every dream

and every boy wants a body to die for and
every girl who's thin is his rival
i wish i had a body to die for
skinny is sexy big isn't beautiful
- king adora

i can never work out if that song is a parody or not. i don't think it is though. thats a gorgeous line though - i want to feel my bones on your bones.

i need to recondition my brain. you know, get it into my head that i really don't need to be eating crap like timtams and shapes. that's the hardest part. once i know that i don't need that, once i know deep down, then i'll be fine. i'm going to live the rest of my life on diet coke.

cause no one takes fat girls seriously.
you know, just for once i'd love to have someone say to me "you're so thin". well, grandma said it once but that doesn't count because i know she was lying. but seriously. i always get "you're well proportioned". who the fuck wants to be well proportioned? that just means you're fat all over.


fatty fatty mcfatfat.

fatty fatty boombah

what is this big place and how did i get here?

realised what i am good for, creatively. discovered it works both in writing and drawing. i can't do shit if i'm left to come up with the ideas on my own. seriously. however, if someone tells me what i'm doing, i tend to come out with stuff i'm really pleased with. like the time a friend of mine wanted to write a novel (but she got sick of it and stopped), and sent me the first three chapters. her writing was shit but her ideas were good, and she knew it. so i rewrote it, keeping all the plot details. it was twice as long but much better to read. but i couldn't come up with that kind of stuff on my own. and i just got asked to draw a picture. i was told how the subject was standing, what they were doing, and what they were wearing. it was a cinch to draw and i'm quite pleased with the outcome. but everything i draw on my own is kind of shit.

thats actually quite annoying. is there anything i can do with that?


today i was hanging up clothes at work - we had like three rollyracks and several trolleys worth of stuff that needed going through and i didn't end up finishing before i left (but that's okay cause renee was on after me and she could finish it). and i couldn't get this one top to hang properly, it was really annoying. so i'm all like, fuck this, fatty boombahs don't need their stuff hung up perfect. and all at once that thought felt so right and yet so mean.

reading a book. pants on fire by maggie alderson. god i wish that was my life. wait, no. not the protagonist. one of the supporting characters. zoe. i wish her life was my life. or maybe sera. i wish that was me.

tried to get some vague amount of exercise done today. i have all the mental motivation but i can't do it physically. that makes me very sad. especially since i had chocolate today.
apple + timeout (940) + 2 timtams (approx 2 points) + fish (omega oils good for me) + salad.
it makes me annoyed.


bai.

they "fit well"

she's rail thin, perched on funky shoes. she lives off oxygen, music, and hairspray. she doesn't eat. and that's okay. she goes out and no one knows where she goes. her life is fun. she doesn't care what you think.

hmm. mum told me that my work shorts "fit well". and i can't figure out if thats code for "you should have bought a bigger size". but i couldn't , cause the 12s were swimming on me. so that kind of makes me happy. but then i remember that my swimsuit is a 14. and then i get annoyed at companies for rigging their sizes so people feel better about their fatness.

we have these awesome tshirt dresses at work but i won't buy one because it would look shit on me.

in nineteen days i am competing with mel, alex, kira and little em in swimsuits. god help me.

i have been chronically stuffing my face because i don't want to be hungry when i'm preparing for exams.

i told you that you didn't want to know.

bamboo shoots

i honestly do not understand how people write music.

i don't understand how mozart did it.

i don't understand how missy higgins does it.

i don't understand how dulcie holland writes beginner music books.

i honestly do not understand how people write music.