like a circle

josh's mention of blogs reminded me to write mine.

and i actually do have something to say.
about friends.

okay, think of friendships like a target for a second.
that's how i think of them.

okay, so you are in the bullseye, and there is a ring around you. this ring is filled with your closest friends, your nearest and dearest.
and around them is another ring. it's a bigger ring, so it holds more people. and these people are still good friends, but not quite as close.
and around them is another ring.
and so on and so forth.

the thing is, at the moment i feel like there are plenty of people in my outer rings
and my halfway rings
and even my second and third rings

but no one in the first ring
the ring for besties.



here is where i was going to say something short and profound to sum up this entry, but i got nothing.

blogger, sometimes i hate you

as if you just decided to block access to me for over a month, and NOW i can sign in with no trouble at all?

honestly, blog, sometimes i think you are more trouble than you are worth and i should just go get a livejournal.

anyway, the lack of access to blog has kind of given me a backlog of things to talk about. well, not really, it did have a backlog but i've either forgotten or offloaded in another way with most of it.

but my most pressing issue is that it has now been summer for five whole days.

and you know what that means don't you?
don't you?


it means its time for ally to hate herself again!
honestly i don't know why summer triggers this
but it does.

i mean, at the moment i'm fat and i have crap hair and clearly no fashion sense and it seems like the world is laughing and saying "lyf. uz doin it rong".
well, not quite WRONG, as my life in general is alright. its just its not everything i want it to be, and i don't want to get old and go

i have no interesting stories from my childhood



or not even interesting stories. the thing is, as a person i am constantly evolving.
and usually, i'm fairly comfortable with who i am (nb. usually, fairly).
the thing is, i look back at who i was
five years ago
one year ago
six months ago

and i go
shit, was i like that? i hate that girl.

that's why i have my little three-day rule.
i don't want to be reminded of the past
i don't want to be reminded of the person i was then

because that girl? i'm embarassed for her, and i don't want to be seen with her.



but whatever. past is past, look to the future.
my goal for summer is to actually not be fat like i am now
and discover/buy some kind of good clothes/fashion sense.
as well as saving something.

here's to new-summer's resolutions.

disadvantaged

*knock knock*

i have no money.
i have no money.
i have no money.
i have no money.


I HAVE NO FRICKEN MONEYS AND ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY!

observations on popular music

ne-yo
i think i am detecting a trend in his music - have a look at these lyrics.
I still hear her loud and clear like she's right there in my ear, telling me that she wants to own me. To control me. Come closer, come closer. And I just can't pull myself away under a spell I can't break I just can't stop. I just can't stop. And I just can't free myself, no way, but I don't want to escape.
and
she walk like the boss, talk like the boss...
hmm. see what i mean? i'll be interested to see what he comes out with next, and if he confirms my suspicions.


flo rider
how the hell did that mauboy bird get flo rider in her song? and i heard that you don't even HEAR the song anywhere but australia, so clearly he didn't do it to benefit himself.
i wonder how much money she was throwing around for that. because she is NOT good and NOT worth flo rider.
i mean, where would he have even heard of her? presumably you'd know a little bit about the artist you're about to produce a song with?

right?


damaged
can you fix my H-E-A-R-T cause its D-A-M-A-G-E-D
i don't know who this song is by, but its just crap.
every part of it is crap.
the lyrics SUCK, the general idea of the song SUCKS (my last bf broke my heart so now YOU have to fix it, its your responsibility not mine), and the crappy male voice saying "sometimes you have to get through the pain....to experience the joy on the other side" SUCKS too.

bad girl

i shouldn't have done it the first time.


and i desperately, desperately want to do it again.

here are some songs

and they have nothing to do with anything, okay?
well, that's a lie. (sometimes) they make stories, but just because they might SOUND like a breakup blog, doesn't mean they are. okay?



i heard he sang a good song
i heard he had a style
and so i came to see him and lip-sync for a while
and there he was, this young boy
stranger to my eyes
strumming my pain with his fingers
singing my life with his words
killing me softly with his song
killing me softly with his song
telling my whole life with his words
killing me softly
with his song


Hey! You!
Mrs I-Don't-Know-What-The-Fuck-Your-Name-Is,
I'm drawn to you
Something's magnetic here.
If I could approach you or even get close to the scent that you left behind
I'd be fine!
No doubt that you bring out
The animal inside.

I'd eat you aliiiiiiive!
I'd eat you alive.
I'd eat you aliiiiiive!
I'd eat you alive.

Hey! You!
Mrs Too-Good-To-Look-My-Way and that's cool
You want nothing at all to do with me.
But I want you,
Ain't nothing wrong with wantin' you,
Cause I'm a man and I can think what the hell I like
You got that straight?


i've done a lot.
god knows, i've tried to find the truth.
i've even lied
and all i know is down inside,
i'm bleeding.
and superheroes come to feast
to taste the flesh not yet deceased
and all i know is still the beast is
feeding.


Yeah I'm waitin' for you, it's been so long
Yeah I'm waitin' for you, it's been so long
Yeah I'm sad when I'm on my own
They said it takes a long long time
If it's not too much
Could you hear me now

You promised me you'd always be
When I wake up please come around again
Come around again
You promised me you'd always be
When I wake up please come around again
Come around again yeah



and just by the way? he's a perfect gentleman.

and there was much rejoicing

my blog let me back in!
it used to not allow me to log in, but finally i am back!
oh happy day!

maybe it was just sooking for all the time i didn't post anything.
i told you, blog, i love you.
i would never abandon you.

i'd miss you too much.









....am i weird that i talk to my blog?

document1

Hopeless
And tearing the posters off all the walls
Knowing that every idol doesn’t deserve a fan like you
Talk it up
Go on, talk it up
Talk up all the things you can’t do
Talk it up to those who can
Don’t they realise who you really are
Don’t they keep their mouths shut
And don’t they all look down and laugh

And it’s not like you even try
Ever thought that maybe you could try
‘Stead of hiding
‘Stead of hiding
And you know if you never try
And you know if no one sees you try
You can never say you failed

Hopeless
And smashing the keyboard one more time
Hearing the resonance reminding yourself of you
Keep pretending
Like its worth something
Pretend like you know what you do
And just keep on shunning the unbelievers
Don’t they realise who you really are
Don’t they keep their mouths shut
And don’t they all look down and laugh

And it’s not like you even try
Ever thought that maybe you could try
‘Stead of hiding
‘Stead of hiding
And you know if you never try
And you know if no one sees you try
You can never say you failed

And it’s not even like you wanted it bad enough
It’s not even like you wanted it bad enough
It’s not even like you wanted it bad enough
And it’s not even like you pretended to want it

And it’s not like you even try
Ever thought that maybe you could try
‘Stead of hiding
‘Stead of hiding
And you know if you never try
And you know if no one sees you try
You can never say you failed

good old fashioned lover boy.

I can dim the lights and sing you songs full of sad things
We can do the tango just for two
I can serenade and gently play on your heart strings
Be your valentino just for you

Ooh love - ooh loverboy
What're you doin' tonight, hey boy
Set my alarm, turn on my charm
That's because I'm a good old-fashioned lover boy

Ooh let me feel your heartbeat (Grow faster, faster)
Ooh ooh can you feel my love heat
Come on and sit on my hot-seat of love
And tell me how do you feel right after-all
I'd like for you and I to go romancing
Say the word - your wish is my command

Ooh love - ooh loverboy
What're you doin' tonight, hey boy
Write my letter
Feel much better
And use my fancy patter on the telephone

When I'm not with you
I think of you always
(I miss those long hot summer nights)
I miss you
When I'm not with you
Think of me always
Love you - love you

Hey boy where do you get it from
Hey boy where did you go ?
I learned my passion in the good old
Fashioned school of loverboys

Dining at the Ritz we'll meet at nine precisely
One two three four five six seven eight nine o' clock
I will pay the bill, you taste the wine
Driving back in style, in my saloon will do quite nicely
Just take me back to yours that will be fine (Come on and get it)

Ooh love, (There he goes again just like a good old-fashioned lover boy)
Ooh loverboy
What're you doin' tonight, hey boy
Everything's all right
Just hold on tight
That's because I'm a good old-fashioned fashioned lover boy

untitled

josh and i are on hiatus, as of thirteen minutes ago.





i feel lonely.

today is a day for quotes

"Where have you been? You should have been dressed by now."
"I have to talk to you, Ranec."
"We don't have time to talk," he said, with a frantic look in his eye.
"I'm sorry, Ranec. We have to talk. Some place where we can be alone."
He could only acquiesce. Ayla went into the tent first, and took something from her pack. They walked down the slope towards the river, then along its bank. Finally, Ayla stopped, reached inside her tunic, and pulled our the carving of a woman transcending into her spiritual bird form, the muta that Ranec had carved for her.
"I have to give this back to you, Ranec," Ayla said, holding it out to him.
Ranec jumped back, as though he had been burned. "What do you mean? You can't give that back! You need it to make a hearth. You need it for our Matrimonial," he said, an edge of panic creeping into his voice.
"That's why I have to give it back. I can't make a hearth with you. I'm leaving."
"Leaving? You can't leave, Ayla. You Promised. Everything's arranged. The Matrimonial is tonight. You said you would join with me. I love you, Ayla. Don't you understand, I love you." The panic rose in Ranec's voice with each statement.
"I know," Ayla said softly. The shock and pain in his eyes hurt her. "I Promised, and everything is arranged. But I have to leave."
"But why? Why now, all of a sudden?" Ranec asked, his voice high-pitched, almost strangled.




Let me know pretty baby
Is he doin' you right?
You might need somebody
new in your life
Somebody who is your type
Call me up, anytime
It could be the two in the night
On hind sight
You can call whenever you like

Shit, Moma, you're all
the freak I need,
I'm gonna bring the
alcohol and weed
Enough to cover every
night this week
The way I see, I don't
care about your man,
He don't need to know me

Besides, he ain't right,
Look, he treats you wrong
All I wanna do is help you
Get your freaking on
And we clicked right away
We wasn't speakin long
So kick your man to the curb
Where he belongs, uh






I've got your picture of me and you
You wrote "I love you" I wrote "me too"
I sit there staring and there's nothing else to do
Oh it's in color Your hair is brown
Your eyes are hazel And soft as clouds
I often kiss you when there's no one else around

I've got your picture, I've got your picture
I'd like a million of you all round my cell
I want a doctor to take your picture
So I can look at you from inside as well
You've got me turning up and turning down
And turning in and turning 'round





and one last one. found this on a forum, some guy;s signature, and its strangely amusing.
Women are scary. Anything that can bleed for a week and not die must be in league with the devil.

like lady godiva

sam laidlaw plays violin and love to dance. who'da thunk it?

lol i learnt that at the ball last night. yes, i went to the year eleven ball. i suspected it would be boring, and i'd be stuck sitting with my parents all night.

but!

i saw sam sitting alone at a table so i joined him, and we spent most the rest of the night dancing together. it was quite awesome, he's a really good dancer and was patient with me not remembering how they went.

he's a good person.

a new favourite song:

He came 'round for the afterparty
Got a reception more than hearty
Well no wonder, here he was, our city's most prominent martyr
Who stuck needles in his arms while you and I still stuck to smarties
And who taught us all 'bout poetry and how to pick up birds
Who hung on to his pathos while other suckers saved and earned
And the underground would love him in return

He came 'round for the afterparty
Got a reception more than hearty
So then he took a loop around and then he slouched into an armchair
And there was she, yeah in a flash, like Guinevere to her King Arthur
So I closed my eyes and this is what I heard:

You sorry ass, you sorry ass
Oh! Death to the martyrs, come on, come on
You sorry ass, you sorry ass
Oh! Death to the martys, come on!

I remember it all clearly, I remember it precise
How he fixed me with his stare and looked me right into the eyes
Saying: 'Me, I'm no machine, no, I defy the nine to five'
Now forgive me, I considered it both radical and wise
But for God's sake, I was fourteen at the time!

You sorry ass, you sorry ass
Oh! Death to the martyrs, come on, come on
You sorry ass, you sorry ass
Oh! Death to the martys, come on!

Now you who are so grand, who claim you built the fundaments on which I stand
You are the man, but you preferred the gentle fan I was before
But now it's time to be unkind to speak my mind
And if you ask why I'm so blunt, it's 'cause I care for you, you cunt!
You're no longer wild at heart, you're just a boring junkie fart
And if you really wanna die, alright, then die, then you old tart!
So I walked across the dancefloor until I was in his sight
And I opened up and this is what come out:

You sorry ass, you sorry ass
Oh! Death to the martyrs, come on, come on
You sorry ass, you sorry ass
Oh! Death to the martys, come on!


i love the song as a whole, but the jury's still out on the lyrics. i love the message, but i think the execution was clumsy in places.
oh well.
still a good song.

its my myspace song right now, actually. so if you haven't heard it, that would be the place to go.

post sixty

i suppose sixty isn't really all that big a milestone.
i mean, it's not half a century, and its not time to retire yet either.


it's a bit of an in-between number.

beetlejuice

hey, blog. remember me?
i've missed you.
yeah, i know i've been neglecting you lately.
it's just
it's just that uni has been pretty much eating my head
and i felt too
too angsty, and too much like a child.

but lately i have been reading back over blog entries.
here,
and on the good old msnspace.
and i realised that i really missed doing all
this.

i love you, blog.
i promise never to leave you again.

ally is too old for angst

yeah. somehow in the last hour or so my mood rapidly deteriorated.

you know how you can't ever get things right, and then you think maybe you've done something worthwhile?

and then the most important opinion in your life stomps on it.




thanks. i feel like a proper human being now.

swansong v2.0

millions of people screaming your name
and you played it up for them.
laughing and joking into the mike,
blowing kisses at the girls in the front row.
and i watched you
and i screamed with the rest of them.
screamed your name, over and over,
and sang along to the songs
and dreamed it was just the two of us.

and i never even realised
not until now, not until the roadies have packed up and left
i never even realised who you sang to
and it wasn't the thousands,
the thousands who paid for tickets,
and it wasn't yourself,
and it wasn't anyone else;
that you were singing to me.

so now
when there's no one around
no crowds, no lights, no big-bass amps
and i'm perfectly alone.

so now,
i'm singing to you.

freaks + swansong

freaks

and the freaks come out at night
and the strangers come out at night
and the fiends come out at night
and i come out at night

obviously thats just four lines. but i can't think of any more.

swansong

when you were up there
singing to the crowd
i saw you up there
and they screamed, they screamed so loud for you
hundreds of people
looking straight at you
thousands of people
and anyone could see they loved you

i never noticed
you weren't singing to them
i never realised
it was all for me
i clapped and cheered with all the rest
and didn't see the look on your face
when i wasn't smiling at you

oh yeah. thats crap. i have like a picture in my head of what its supposed to look like, unfortunately pictures don't go too well into words for me right now.

neon

shining in eleven shades of neon
flashing through from yellow to pink
shining in eleven shades of neon

and it's all cause you're here
running tripping spinning slipping
and it's all cause you're near
upside down and always tipping

it doesn't stop
doesn't stop
doesn't stop
so fast its like a st-st-stutter
a blast i only know
when you passed me by

shining in eleven shades of neon
flashing through from yellow to pink
shining in eleven shades of neon

and it's all cause you're here
running tripping spinning slipping
and it's all cause you're near
upside down and always tipping

eleven super bright shades of neon
just like the lights on hindley street
shining in eleven shades of neon
strobing in time to a super bright beat

just doing shots
double shots
triple shots
you make me feel so t-t-tipsy
an ache i only feel
when you shake me over


shining in eleven shades of neon
flashing through from yellow to pink
shining in eleven shades of neon

and it's all cause you're here
running tripping spinning slipping
and it's all cause you're near
upside down and always tipping

eleven super bright shades of neon
just like the lights on hindley street
shining in eleven shades of neon
strobing in time to a super bright beat

other people's opinions.

they do matter.
i have many opinions of people. and i think that my opinion of somebody else matters. therefore, it's only fair that their opinion of me matters too.

fairness aside, it really truly does matter. people treat you differently depending on what they think of you. if you have a choice of two movies, one which you think well of and one which you don't, you will choose the one you think well of. every time.

when you feel like everything you care about, even a little bit, everything you thought might help define you, has been commandeered and stolen by somebody else, it's horrible. it's even worse when all of a sudden everyone can see that the other person 'cares about them more' or 'is better at it' or is just plain more likable. where does that leave you? you want so badly to keep people away from the other one, but you know that every time you try, it just makes you look worse.

i met someone at gangshow. he's not really a friend at this point, but seemed kind of cool and someone i wanted to get to know better. wonder of wonders, a couple of days later he added me to his myspace friends! i figured he found me on someone else from gangshow's friends, knew i was a gang member, and thought it was a good idea to add me. seems to me to be the perfect opportunity to say hi, maybe make proper friends. so you go to his myspace, to comment him with something like 'thanks for the add' or whatever, spark a conversation. and then you discover that his last five comments are from mel. i left myspace. i couldn't comment on it after that. i just couldn't. it's like "hey, i don't know you but i'd like to" vs. someone else, who i dont even know HOW she knows him, and is clearly quite friendly. that's just one thing, its the most recent so it's what i thought of first.

people post bulletins on myspace saying how awesome she is. these same people are suppoesd to be my friends too, and i get no such bulletins posted about me. isn't that just proof that i'm just not up to scratch? it's not their fault, i know they're not trying to push me out and that they are still my friends, but it just shows me how much better they think she is. and i can't try and push myself up to that, because i know i'd only be doing it because of her, and that's even worse than not doing anything at all.

everything that i pride myself on, she manages to turn around and do better for herself. i love my shows, i really do. yet somehow she gets more and better parts, and everyone i know tells me how talented she is. even people who are supposed to be there for me. i've played the piano for most of my life, and music is something i really enjoy. but uni has been eating my head lately, and i haven't had a chance to play at all. mel's piano teacher is pushing her, and reckons she'll have grade 8 done before the end of year 12. all i managed was grade 6. we were bought a guitar a couple of years ago, and i genuinely wanted to learn to play, but mel lost the book, so i couldn't. but she tries to teach herself, and all of a sudden can play the guitar. and i can't, and there's no point even trying to learn because i'll always be behind and it'd be obvious that she had the initiative to do it herself and i didn't. shit like that. all the time. for ages i didn't give a shit what people though, and i did and i wore whatever i liked. mel's always been the conformist, and that's something i had that she didn't. but in the past couple of years she's decided to do whatever the hell she wants too, and everyone loves everything she does. the things i want to do, everyone hates. all the time, and they tell me so, and obviously that makes me want to do less things than i first think of. i know it was a long time ago, but that haircut was totally not what anyone else was doing at the time, and something i really wanted. and it turned out there were like five people i knew who liked it. everyone else told me it was bad. i want to get my septum pierced (when i get around to it) but just about everyone that it gets mentioned to tells me "no don't do that it'd look shit on you". thanks, everyone. i guess i just make shitty decisions all the time. i wouldn't care if everyone didn't love it, i just wish everyone didn't hate the decisions i make.

she's fucking prettier too. i can see that. i'm not being stupid about this or anything, its true. i can see it, and so can everyone else. her myspace pics have shitloads of comments going "mel you're soooo pretty" or "such a hotti". and no one ever ever says anything like that to me.


somewhere along the line my self-confidence has disappeared.

"if your self-esteem is so bad that you take any of her achievements as a blow to yourself, then you have serious problems."
that's what they said to me.

and the worst part is? i tried, a couple of times, to explain to mum how much i dislike her and why, and you know what? i was told that i am a right royal bitch to her most of the time, and all she ever does is try for my approval (i think she might be lying about the second part, but for this i'm going to assume she is telling the truth). doesn't that make me a horrible person? she pretty much told me that: you hate someone who is only trying to make you like her, and do good things for you. you are horrible to her, yet she still likes you.
and the horrible, horrible, horrible part of that is it might be true. i am actually the 'bad' one.


i am actually the 'bad' one.

and i hate it. i hate it so much. and i don't know what i'm supposed to do.

i don't know what i'm supposed to do.

i don't know what i'm supposed to do.

so i do nothing. and it steadily steadily gets worse.

i hate myself for the way i am.

can't come quickly

spread your wings and fly to daddy
take a dive and swim to daddy
hit the floor and crawl to daddy.

that's probably a pretty awesome song.
both of them are.

its a negotiation list!

This is a negotiation list. There are a stack of different types of list floating around, this seemed like a good one to pull out. Anyway the idea is that you mark what applies to you, and that way your partner knows what is and isn't a good idea.
Make sense to you? Anyway, I filled one out, just to see how it went. Not many marks on my list. But if you just want to look at this, or even fill it out for me to look at, that's cool.

Or you can just ignore it and that's cool too.

Are there any specific types of people that turn you on?
[ ] Soldiers, marines, paratroopers
[ ] Sailors, coast guard, merchant marine
[ ] Airmen, pilots
[ ] Policemen, security people
[ ] Truck drivers
[ ] Firemen
[ ] Executioners
[ ] Nurses, doctors
[ ] Prostitutes, tramps
[ ] Hunters
[ ] Wrestlers
[ ] Surfers, life guards
[ ] Motorcycle people, Hells Angels
[ ] Cowboys, farm boys
[ ] Gentlemen, nobility
[ ] Business people, yuppies, managers
[ ] Servants
[ ] Teachers
[ ] Daddy, uncle
Others, please specify: ___________________________________

Which of the following scenes would turn you on?
[x] Having a romantic dinner by candlelight
[ ] I am spanked because I have been a naughty girl
[x] I am in the woods and suddenly this man comes from behind and grabs me
[ ] A stranger walks into my bedroom and finds me playing with myself
[ ] My partner and I are making love in a public place
[ ] I am are sold on a slave market
[x] I am used as a slave in public
[ ] I am used as a slave in private
[ ] I am ordered to please others
[ ] I am a little schoolgirl
[ ] I am sitting/kneeling at my Master's feet
[x] I am are tied and teased
[ ] I am grabbed by the hair and dragged into the bedroom
[ ] I am used as a dog, pony or pet
[x] I am verbally humiliated
[ ] I am tied, gagged and blindfolded and left alone
[ ] I am tied, gagged, blindfolded and thoroughly whipped
[ ] My physical limits are tested and stretched
[ ] My mental limits are tested and stretched
[ ] I have to sign a contract
[ ] I am a total slave every day of the week
Others, please specify: ___________________________________

Is there any particular clothing or fabric that turns you on?
[x] Leather
[ ] Rubber, latex
[ ] Patent leather, PVC
[x] Sexy lingerie
[ ] Uniforms
[ ] Denim
[x] High Heels
[x] Boots
[ ] Wet suits
[ ] Servants uniform
[ ] Masks
Others, please specify: ___________________________________

Do any of the following environments or scenery turn you on?
[x] Your bedroom
[ ] A dungeon, castle
[x] Churches and abbeys
[ ] Farms and stables
[ ] Barracks
[ ] Abandoned construction sites
[ ] Back alleys
[ ] The red light district
[ ] A school or a classroom
[ ] BDSM-clubs
[ ] Estates
[ ] Junkyards and car dumps
[ ] Woods and forests
[ ] Medieval scenery
[ ] Nudist beaches
[ ] Parking spaces
[ ] Truck stops
[ ] The bath room
[ ] Hospital, dentist
[ ] Interrogation room
[ ] The shrink's couch
[ ] Boot camp
[ ] Jail, police station
Others, please specify: ___________________________________

I enjoy the following psychodrama(s):
[x] The dominant talks, the submissive is silent or speaks only when spoken to
[ ] Dialogue in normal language
[x] Dialogue in adapted language ("Master" and "slave")
[x] Obey rules or else
[x] Reasonable rules
[x] Unreasonable rules
[ ] It is OK for the dominant to loose his temper
[x] Swearing and filthy talk
[ ] Military/jail type commands
[ ] Strict training
[x] Obvious and explicit role play
[x] Subtle role play
[ ] I like to be persuaded, rather than commanded
[x] Make me feel guilty
[x] Make me feel cheap
[x] Make me feel used
[x] Make me feel owned
[ ] Make me feel useless
[ ] Objectify me
[x] The dominant must have compassion
[x] The dominant must have no compassion at all
[ ] The dominant must only have compassion after the scene
Others, please specify: ___________________________________

Sex and sexuality
[ ] I need to be sexually aroused when in scene
[ ] I need to be sexually aroused before I enter into a scene
[ ] I like as many orgasms as I can get
[ ] An orgasm turns me off
[ ] An orgasm must only be allowed as a reward
[ ] An orgasm is a must to end the scene
[ ] Orgasms are not important, but nice
[ ] Orgasms are not important at all
[ ] I want to beg for an orgasm first
[ ] I want my sexual abilities to be stretched
[ ] I want/need sex during a scene
[ ] I want no sex during a scene
[ ] Sex should be used to relieve the tension
Others, please specify: ___________________________________

I love the following attributes
[ ] Ropes
[x] Leather cuffs and belts
[x] Steel cuffs and chains
[ ] Ball and chain
[x] Blindfold
[ ] Gags
[x] Masks
[ ] Nipple clamps and clothespins
[ ] Whips
[ ] Riding crops
[ ] Canes
[x] Silk to be tied with
[ ] Sex toys (vibrators, butt plugs)
[ ] Needles and pins
[ ] Cross, rack
[ ] Bondage table
[ ] Cage
[ ] Sling
[ ] Body bag
Others, please specify: ___________________________________

The following scenes appeal to me:
[x] Being tied up, caressed and loved
[ ] Being in a public place and dominated in a subtle way
[x] Being taken out with collar and leash
[ ] Being locked up and left alone
[x] Being tied up in a comfortable position
[x] Being tied up in discomfort
[ ] Being tied up and (in a sexual way) exposed
[x] Being tied up and tickled
[x] Being tied up and (sexually) teased
[ ] Being tied up and whipped, flogged or caned
[x] Not being tied up, but verbally commanded into certain positions and having to maintain these
[ ] Caned, flogged or whipped without being tied or cuffed
[x] Being spanked in the traditional way
[x] Rough sex/being "raped"
[ ] Used as a servant
[ ] Being tied and tortured
[ ] Being tortured without being tied or cuffed
[ ] Being used by more than one dominant
[ ] Playing in combination with other couples
Others, please specify: ___________________________________

Safe words and signals
[x] The dominant should establish one or more safe words
[ ] When I cry, the scene should stop
[ ] I should be able to communicate in plain language
[x] The dominant should be able to read my body language
[ ] I want to be tested when I use a safe word or signal
[x] All activity should stop immediately when I use a safe word or signal
[ ] I do not want to use any safe word at all and my signals should be ignored completely
[ ] When I use a safe word or signal the dominant should establish if the scene can continue
[x] A scene should go on up to the point where I use a safe word or signal
[ ] The use of safe words and signals should be avoided as much as possible
Others, please specify: ___________________________________

To me erotic power exchange is:
[x] Something I like incidentally, just as a kick
[ ] Something I like, but not too often
[ ] Something I want as much as possible
[ ] A lifestyle that I consider important and want to practice as much as possible
[ ] A lifestyle that should be present at all times
[ ] My way of life
[ ] The most important thing I can think of
[ ] Something I want exercised at all times and no matter what the consequences are.
Others, please specify: ___________________________________

&&list

[[hates]]
hair. some dumb growing out stage. looks retarded. can't do anything with it.
eyes. too big. always look tired. ugly colour.
mouth. ew braces. too big. stupid dumb smile. freckle that everyone thinks is food
legs. fat. ew. ew. ew. can anyone say cankles?
feet. bony. toenails.
hands. fingernails. short and stubby.
skin. scars. what more do i need to say.
cameras. cause i always look like shit. reflection on life?
clothes. don't know what to do.


but you know what? its all just a fact that i have to live with.
its like....its like that clothes thing.
people who are a little bit fat dress to make themselves look thinner.
people who are a lot fat don't bother to hide it because they know they can't, they just have to make the best of what they have.

this is my transition from trying and failing to be the first, and accepting that i am the second.
in my whole life.





i'm going to see my pictures next friday and i know they will look bad.

fiftieth post

' “Yeah, okay, I remember,” Mariel said, wringing all of her hands. “But it was supposed to be mutual… you’re not supposed to make any more cracks about my weight, and you haven’t exactly…”

“Oh, hon, that’s different,” Flit said. “I talk about your size because I love you, just the way you are…" '

That's a quote from a story I just read. Short Story.

It kind of struck a chord with me. Like, a big, fat, augmented seventh.

I'm not sure why.


EDIT::
I finished the story.

' “Because the women there are all as fat as you,” he said. “You’ll fit right in. Ground, you may even be the skinniest one there.” '