i had lots of interesting things to say

but i forgot them.

someone has a lot to answer for.

and that someone is j.

here's a story from supersplash. i met up with bea, and was introduced to mike, hairy dan, and joe. mike is the most gorgeous nerd i've ever seen in my life (too bad he's bea's beau). hairy dan has big thick sideburns and long long curly hair, which i braided. joe's got a five month old baby with his girlfriend.

anyway, they were all absolutely wonderful people, and on the saturday night i really didn't want to go back to my unit's tents to sleep. bea didn't particularly want to go back to her tent either, so we smooshed into the boy's tent. bea and mike curled up together (of course), hairy dan got in his sleeping bag and me and joe were sharing a blanket. it was a big blanket, and we fit fine under it. we all drifted off to sleep around half past midnight. admittedly, boys and girls sharing a tent is against scout rules but no one really cared by that point.

now here's where we get to the interesting bit. i woke up about half an hour later, not sure what woke me up. everyone else was still asleep. and then i realised. joe was snuggled up next to me. he was holding my hand, and the rest of him was really quite a bit too close for comfort.

i'm not about to blame him for that. he's probably used to sleeping with his girlfriend and just kind of moved into that position while he slept. no biggie.

but i got up and went back to my tent anyway. my cold, lonely tent. and all because of how joe was sleeping. and i felt terrible about it. i still do. i feel like a really bad person.

and i think i only moved because of j. like, i know i would have stayed there if not for him. i've done it before. i've not been comfortable but if it makes the guy happy, its not too much skin off my nose.

but all i could think of was that joe had a girlfriend and shouldn't be doing that. and what would happen if it somehow got back to j.

rant.

rihanna is fat.
beyonce is fat.

why are there so many fat celebrities?

but you know who aren't fat?
the victoria's secret girls.
they are gorgeous.
i want to be them.


also, i appear to have lost a little of what i once had.
like, i always figured it was easy to have guys falling over themselves to get to you.
but today that didn't work. seriously.
i had to say the first word.
admittedly, there was no way i would have ever given that guy a second look, except that i wanted to test out whether i could still do it or not.
cause he was wearing bad clothes.
but still. it makes me sad that he didn't even talk to me first.
he did ask me if i had a boyfriend though.
so i said yes and thoroughly tramped on his idea of getting with me.

but still.



its a little sad.



and i desperately need new clothes.
cause i look fat in everything i have.
except clothes shopping makes me sad now.
because i am such a big size in everything.
*sigh*

i gained weight too. i have a bmi of 20 now.
what the hell?
so i'm not in a great mood.

why can't i be one of those girls
who's legs don't even touch when she stands with her feet together?
why can't i have hip bones
that stick out ALL the time?
why don't my ribs show
as well as my spine, on my back?


i want to be 85% or less of what i am now.
and i want the willpower to do it.


i feel like such a wanorexic sometimes.
like, i crap on about how fat i am
and how i need need NEED to lose it all
but i never do anything about it
in fact, the more i think about being fat, the more i want to eat
what the fuck is wrong with me?
it shouldn't be that hard just to not put food in mouth.


i hate it.

quod me nutrit me destruit

^^ yeah check it out. how's my latin?^^

bleh. everything i have eaten in the past two days is out of a packet.

i want real food.

wait, no. that's a lie. what i really want is to undo all the food from the past two days.
i can't believe i've been such a pig.

ew.

although. if i gain a little weight, i could be all like "exams made me gain like five kilos" and then possibly parentals would approve the soup diet. but maybe they wouldn't and i'd just be fatter. that would be funny though.
why the hell can't i break that magic number? is it that hard to go <130?

you are what you eat and you are fat. obese. wretched. disgusting. a blob of disease rotting your pathetic life away, taking up too much space on a planet only fit for thin. - what a girl eats.

gah. looking at me makes me sick. its disgusting. i don't even have ribs any more.

apparently i have small bones as well. and i know i have very little muscle mass so don't even try attributing it to that. fuck it. i weigh more than he does. you know how utterly sad that is?

fat girls can't wear nice shoes. that's a fact, did you know it? nice shoes make fat girls look fatter.
i have no nice shoes.

went shopping with laura. i'm twice her clothing size. everything good only comes in small.

did you know that the average american woman is 5'4" tall and weighs 140 lb? ((lol for using imperial measurements)). thats really quite overweight. so when people tell you that you are about average weight, just think of what they are saying.

i want your heart-shaped lips lips
cooler hula hips
i want to feel my bones on your bones
yeah
i wear my heartache at my sleeve
i love myself too much to see
it haunts my dreams
it haunts my every dream

every boy wants a body to die for and
every girl who's thin is his rival
i wish i had a body to die for
skinny is sexy big isn't beautiful

i'm gonna shed me some skin
get me real real slim
i want to feel my bones on your bones
baby
i am a teenage drama queen,
i throw my guts up for self-esteem
it haunts my dreams
it haunts my every dream

and every boy wants a body to die for and
every girl who's thin is his rival
i wish i had a body to die for
skinny is sexy big isn't beautiful
- king adora

i can never work out if that song is a parody or not. i don't think it is though. thats a gorgeous line though - i want to feel my bones on your bones.

i need to recondition my brain. you know, get it into my head that i really don't need to be eating crap like timtams and shapes. that's the hardest part. once i know that i don't need that, once i know deep down, then i'll be fine. i'm going to live the rest of my life on diet coke.

cause no one takes fat girls seriously.
you know, just for once i'd love to have someone say to me "you're so thin". well, grandma said it once but that doesn't count because i know she was lying. but seriously. i always get "you're well proportioned". who the fuck wants to be well proportioned? that just means you're fat all over.


fatty fatty mcfatfat.

fatty fatty boombah

what is this big place and how did i get here?

realised what i am good for, creatively. discovered it works both in writing and drawing. i can't do shit if i'm left to come up with the ideas on my own. seriously. however, if someone tells me what i'm doing, i tend to come out with stuff i'm really pleased with. like the time a friend of mine wanted to write a novel (but she got sick of it and stopped), and sent me the first three chapters. her writing was shit but her ideas were good, and she knew it. so i rewrote it, keeping all the plot details. it was twice as long but much better to read. but i couldn't come up with that kind of stuff on my own. and i just got asked to draw a picture. i was told how the subject was standing, what they were doing, and what they were wearing. it was a cinch to draw and i'm quite pleased with the outcome. but everything i draw on my own is kind of shit.

thats actually quite annoying. is there anything i can do with that?


today i was hanging up clothes at work - we had like three rollyracks and several trolleys worth of stuff that needed going through and i didn't end up finishing before i left (but that's okay cause renee was on after me and she could finish it). and i couldn't get this one top to hang properly, it was really annoying. so i'm all like, fuck this, fatty boombahs don't need their stuff hung up perfect. and all at once that thought felt so right and yet so mean.

reading a book. pants on fire by maggie alderson. god i wish that was my life. wait, no. not the protagonist. one of the supporting characters. zoe. i wish her life was my life. or maybe sera. i wish that was me.

tried to get some vague amount of exercise done today. i have all the mental motivation but i can't do it physically. that makes me very sad. especially since i had chocolate today.
apple + timeout (940) + 2 timtams (approx 2 points) + fish (omega oils good for me) + salad.
it makes me annoyed.


bai.

they "fit well"

she's rail thin, perched on funky shoes. she lives off oxygen, music, and hairspray. she doesn't eat. and that's okay. she goes out and no one knows where she goes. her life is fun. she doesn't care what you think.

hmm. mum told me that my work shorts "fit well". and i can't figure out if thats code for "you should have bought a bigger size". but i couldn't , cause the 12s were swimming on me. so that kind of makes me happy. but then i remember that my swimsuit is a 14. and then i get annoyed at companies for rigging their sizes so people feel better about their fatness.

we have these awesome tshirt dresses at work but i won't buy one because it would look shit on me.

in nineteen days i am competing with mel, alex, kira and little em in swimsuits. god help me.

i have been chronically stuffing my face because i don't want to be hungry when i'm preparing for exams.

i told you that you didn't want to know.

bamboo shoots

i honestly do not understand how people write music.

i don't understand how mozart did it.

i don't understand how missy higgins does it.

i don't understand how dulcie holland writes beginner music books.

i honestly do not understand how people write music.

grr.

i hate having a sister.

i hate what people say about her.

i hate being compared to her.


i hate it a lot.

mad at self

grr. seriously, last night i really thought i could do it.
but apparently i was wrong.

well, i lasted twenty two and a half hours. this time, counting from six thirty tonight, i'll try for thirty. i reckon i can do it too. little steps are the way to go. hopefully i'll be able to go a couple of days at a time soon.

although, it kind of wasn't my fault tonight. mum asked what i was having, and if it'd be the same as her, so i had to have something. the only problem was, i had waaay too much. and i wasn't even hungry. so now, even thought that was three hours ago, i still feel solid.

eh. i'll do better.

remember,

king adora's got it right.

ratatouille

inner beauty is for fat people.

a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

they say there are four elements. earth, water, fire....and air. i want to be air.

its not a diet. after a while, you go off a diet.

this is it. i'm doing it right this time. once and for all i'm gonna shift all this fat. they say tha fad diets don't work. this is because they are not sustainable, and once you go back to eating the way you did before, it all piles back on. you have to make permanent changes to your eating. i'm going to do it. no more "it's okay, just this one won't hurt". because just one becomes just two, then just three. i will no longer feel deprived. i will be doing myself a favour. what's better - thirty seconds of enjoying that taste, or a lifetime of enjoying, twenty four seven, the body you want.

go to the freezer, and get out your icecream. now throw it away. next time you go shopping, buy a low fat substitute. it won't taste as good, but that doesn't matter. you'll soon forget the taste of full fat icecream, because you'll never eat it again. now do this for the rest of your food.

i got that quote from a book. that is how i want to live from now on. it'll suck not being able to eat what i want at first, but soon it won't matter any more.

the game starts today.

the soulmate theory

people ask "do you believe in soulmates?" and i always say no.
this is for a very good reason.

someone did a study (and i can't find it again, so my figures may not be entirely accurate) that most people fall in love with, or marry, someone who lives or works within a few kilometres of themselves. this makes sense. these are the people you are most likely to run into, and strike a rapport with.

anyway. just say there are five thousand people living and working around you. some of them you see everyday, some you have never met in your life. about half of these people are off-limits to you, as in half are girls and half are boys. so that's two and a half thousand people that could you potentially hit it off with. but everyone knows that a teenager getting with an octogenarian is kind of wrong. twenty two percent of the population in adelaide is between twenty and twenty-nine, the largest group. approximately six percent of the population is gay, and about half of those remaining are already married or in committed relationships. so from your initial pool of five thousand people, you are already down to about two hundred and sixty. this isn't even taking into account the people you won't like, or who won't like you (because that's bound to happen). and if you are a minority, like being gay, or only being attracted to redheads, the number of people you could potentially form a relationship with is even smaller.

so really, the person you end up spending the rest of your life with is just about spelled out for you. and if you'd bought a house in a suburb on the other side of town, it would be an entirely different set of people. so how can you say that 'fate' brought two people together?

although this has a negative effect on the way i look at this kind of thing. if the 'love of your life' is simply a matter of coincidence, and a little bit of mathematics, is what you have really that special?

love isn't fate drawing two people together, it isn't irrepressible fireworks. its all a numbers game. it takes work to keep it going, because who knows? the numbers might throw up someone better next week.

thank you, world

for just about shitting on everything for me.

the ONE GOOD FUCKING IDEA i have in just about FOREVER and you just make sure NONE OF IT CAN HAPPEN. nice one. real nice. its more than just one fucking trip to the zoo. its...i don't know, symbolic of something. it'd have to be, seeing as how FUCKING IMPORTANT it is to me right now.

i dont think you get it. no one EVER agrees with ANYTHING i do or say, so i finally come up with something i'm SO EXCITED about, and no one gives a shit. thanks. thanks a lot.

like, no one EVER gives a shit really. and i've really gone beyond caring. except for this. it was SO FUCKING IMPORTANT that everyone like it. and no one fucking did.

i'm sick of no one agreeing or appreciating what i want to do. "don't wear those shoes, wear the white ones". "no, don't wear those white shoes, wear the black ones" well fuck BOTH OF YOU i'm just gonna wear whatever fucking shoes i like.

and still and still and STILL no one likes what i do. i just CAN'T CAN'T CAN'T do like everyone else. i've fucking TRIED and failed miserably. so you know what? just screw everyone else, let's do things my way. and you know what? everyone just shits all over that too. absolutely fucking EVERYONE. from fucking xinyu to my sister to my mum to the people i see in the street. so let's do something fucking different. if i can't be how i want, let's be second best. and guess what? JOSH GETS TO STOMP ALL OVER THAT TOO. thanks a fucking lot, guys.

it's not like i've even managed to know what i look like. i haven't fucking achieved anything, EVER. not even decided on who i am. hah. that's fucking funny.

you know, i'm supposed to BE something. like, i'm supposed to STAND OUT FOR SOMETHING. and you know what? i'm just fading into fucking mediocrity. i've done NOTHING. can't even fucking organise a trip to the zoo. but its not like i'm clever or beautiful (and don't try to tell me otherwise, i know the truth) or have done anything worth writing home about. i'm just nothing. absolutely fucking nothing.

cause no one even wants to go to the fucking zoo with me. "you should be studying" and all that shit. way to just stomp all over everything. i don't WANT to fucking study. which means i'm never gonna be clever or fucking achieve ANYTHING. and all you fuckers sit up on your high horses with your study sessions and your two-hours-in-the-morning thinking you're so much better cause you can DO stuff like that.


ya know what? fuck the world.
i don't even give a shit right now.
excuse me while i throw out everything i own.

fuckers.

shitty mood

lol and i know why.

i'm sorry.
i'll get over it.

maybe in like a week.

post no. thirty-six

sad.
no one wants to come to the zoo cause they all think study is more important.
does that mean i'm not doing enough?

screw schoolwork.

its makeover time

a) stop being so loud and annoying. its stupid. just shut up occasionally.
b) people don't really care what you think about issues. shut up.
c) keep your head down. just get some stuff done.
d) get some better clothes. everything you own is crap.
e) stop thinking you're top shit. you're not.
f) being different is not okay.
g) neither is standing out, even if its cause you're so cool.


let's see if you can do it. cause i really don't like who you are at the moment. its time for change.

she's happy tonight

i love alex and mel and mina
i love kelsey
i love emma and emma
i love xinyu
i love kira and jamie

but most of all i love josh.

why ally does what she does

you know, if you invest a lot of time and love and effort into something, and it falls flat on its face, that is a really really sucky thing to happen. like, it kinda hurts.

and i don't want that to happen to me, ever. if there's something that has the potential to hurt, she tries to minimise it in by preparing for it. she creates a bit of a detachment, so that when it inevitably fails, she won't mind too much.

but that's a difficult line to walk. it makes it harder to keep caring. and she tries ever so hard to do that. she tries to make herself not lose interest and get bored, because she knows that would incredibly suck to be the other person.

its a tricky place to be.

wordcount

i'm such an idiot. i'm writing my review draft, and the wordcount is seriously screwing me over.

i mean, i'll get to five hundred words, and then i'll take a break.
oh look, i'm up to four hundred and forty four. only about fifteen left?
two sentences later, i hit wordcount again.
what? only four hundred and seventy? goddamit, i was treating numbers like time again.

you know, i had a thought about the perfect me. you know, when i like myself the most.
its when i'm not behind on anything at school
when i'm not actually involved with any guy(s)
when i put my girlfriends first
when i'm not trying to impress anyone
when there's at least one guy who's interested in me
when i'm at a party, and paying attention to everyone, instead of just a couple of people
when i make new friends
when i don't feel like any one is judging me

and you know what? that was most of last year. it was sweet.
and i figure life's never going to be like that for me again
so i'm glad i enjoyed it while it lasted.

kelsey

geez. now don't i feel just a little bit insignificant.

she did all that. and you know, i do nothing.



thanks.

into the midnight show

another day, another blog.

fricken four wheel drives. mum and i went to the video place last night, to get a movie. anyway, we only had the little car, so we parked it and went in. when we came out again with our movies, there was a spanking big white four wheel drive parked in the space next to us - except because it was parked at an angle, it was totally blocking us from getting our car out of the parking space. we growled a little, but while we were there, the car left, and we went into the bamboo bistro to order our takeaway. gah.

long story short, we were only parked there for about half an hour, and we saw at least two four wheel drives parked so that we couldn't get out. grrr. so when the space next to us was free, we finally backed out of the park. and guess what? that space that the four wheel drives were in was a disabled space. oh my fricken god.


hmmm. and i've got something to say to you. well, of course i do, because you're the only one who reads this damn thing. anyway. i'm not perfect, no one is. and normally that doesn't bother me too much. but it does bother me when i'm with you. cause you don't deserve anything less than perfect.



gah. blogs are dumb. they encourage me to say things i would never actually say out loud.

on the the topic of saying things out loud.....i'm a very mean and bitchy person. well, i say lots of not-very-nice things about you when you're not there. i'm always joking, or being sarcastic (you know this is true cause i do it when you're around too). anyway, maybe people don't pick up on the fact that i'm not being serious. so in case anyone tells you i've been saying nasty things about you, they were jokes.

kthnxbye.

bet you weren't expecting this

a new blog like half an hour after the last one. ooh, i'm so tricky and unpredictable!

this is a little rant.
and it is about knees.

yes, knees. specifically fat knees. now you may ask what a fat knee is. it's where the top of the leg is bigger than the bottom, where the knee doesn't stick out. if your knee is knobbly and sticks out when your leg is straight, then rest assured you don't have fat knees.

so now i'm spending all my time looking at people's knees. people in the street, people on tv, people in magazines. trying to see if they have fat knees or not.

trying to find one who does.


one who looks like me.

wagon wheels.

I fell off the wagon. And stayed in the rut by the side of the road for quite some time. But a couple of days ago I said
screw this. come monday i'm climbing back on.
I set the day a Monday so it would be easier to stick to, and harder to put off. But guess what? Monday rolled around and I did even worse than I'd been doing beforehand. And summer's getting closer with every day, and then shorts and skirts are gonna be here.

I've got to keep this in mind. What am I gonna wear if I don't make it? Hopefully that'll be enough to start me going again.



On a lighter note, I now officially have more posts on this blog than on my other one.
Let's break out the champagne.

to me

summer

= music
clothes
swimming
early sunday mornings
reinvention
friends
shopping
icy poles

= everything i love.

holidays

= one of my favourite things.
when you go away for them. and especially airports, or if we're roadtripping, small country towns. because you can be anyone you want, and no one knows any better. they don't know how popular or clever or rich or alternative you really are - so you can try anything on. and if you don't like it, then when you go home you can take it off again.

= i do believe that i'm going to spend the rest of my life on holidays.

unisa open day

= i have seen the light.



and now for something totally unrelated...


religion

everyone knows i'm not particularly religious person. i mean, i'm basically christian. which means i celebrate christmas and easter, and that's about it. if i were in a muslim country, i'd probably adopt the same attitude to islam. so yeah, all in all i'm not particularly religious.

but

when stuff gets horrible, something kind of odd happens. like, there was a point in my life which absolutely sucked. it was honestly the worst thing that has ever happened to me. i cannot describe the suckiness of this period of my life. well, maybe i could if you asked, but i don't want to. i tried writing it down once, and ended up in tears just thinking about it (but if you want to know, i'll tell you. you deserve that much).

anyway, while it sucked for me, i think it sucked for my mum a whole lot more, and it wasn't even her it was happening to. one time, she sat me down and asked how i was doing, cause i wasn't showing anything. she said i was being so strong. she said if something like that happened to her, she'd probably break down completely. admittedly, i was pretty close to breaking point myself.

and then she said something totally uncharacteristic.
"he only gives out what you can handle. that's why this is happening to you, and not someone else."
and you have no idea how much that helped. like, it was possibly the single most meaningful thing anyone has ever said to me.


i'm still not religious. but i still believe that statement is true, and it still gets me through things.

because it's only the stuff i can handle.

for a mind maker-upper to make up her mind

um yeah.


recently me and someone else have been talking.

about, well, stuff.

like, the first time we really talked about it, i was pretty damn apprehensive. but then i went away and thought about it for a while, and figured hey maybe it's worth it. i'm going to talk to him again and we can actually work it out.

and then we spoke about it again, more seriously. except as the conversation went on, i found more and more ways to convince myself of why it wasn't a good idea. and then later on, in the shower, at work, eating breakfast, i thought of even more reasons of why it's not such a good idea.

except now i'm not so sure. how can something seem so good and right and proper one minute, and so bad and wrong and naughty the other? it's ridiculous.

why can't i just decide what i think?

five

i got a pretty message today.

actually, he only sent it cause kels said he should.

but it made me happy anyway. and i've read it like ten times.

although that's not so monumental either. i read most of his messages about ten times.

but i'm trying to make a point.

it was pretty, and it made me happy.

i feel summer coming on

Drama today was funny. Well, more like after-drama. You know what I mean.

Roald Dahl is
a) a good children's writer
b) a better adult's writer.

Something I am confused about:
Being touched. Like, a hug from a friend or a bumsqueeze or a poke. Am not sure how I feel about it at the moment.
Pros:
I am a tactile person, and thus I enjoy it.
Apparently it's healthy to touch people, and we should do more of it.
Clearly it makes other people happy, or they wouldn't do it.
Cons:
If someone doesn't like touching people, you make them feel awkward.
It's not always acceptable ie thirty centimetre rule.
I worry that whoever it is can feel the fat over my bones. Like, even if they don't care or even notice, it still bothers me that they can.

My blacktack is awesome. Like, well and truly awesome.
a) it's a cool colour
b) it's a perfect sphere
c) it was fun to make.

there is nothing wrong with going to a strip club

and thats all i have to say about that.

packin' it in

i was going to stop blogging. i realised all i did was whinge. and no one read anything worth reading here.

regular little emo, aren't i?

but then last night
as i was lying in bed
feeling downright sorry for myself
i decided i'd bring this all back to life. for two reasons

a) i need somewhere to whinge, even if its stupid whiney bitching that i shouldn't be posting
b) it's been so long since i've posted that no one will read it anymore, hence it won't matter what i post

so all in all, i win.

but yeah. stuff has been a little shitty lately. and there are some people i haven't been very nice to. i have a couple of resolutions though.

a) i will no longer tell everyone everything. i will keep some secrets, even if they are not neccessarily 'secret' things.
b) saying i'm fat won't make me thin, so i will stop it.
c) you're obsessive. stop it.
d) this isn't really a resolution. more of a realisation about myself. i have a terrible terrible fear of failure.

i had to go to a rave thing on friday. talking about what we want to do with our lives, and what our passions are. i realised i don't actually have a passion. it's not like i'm passionate about something stupid which i'm embarrassed to say. it's just that i don't have one. and that makes me sad.
i mean, i used to. there used to be something i really was passionate about, a couple of things. then i realised i was shit at them and was never going to make anything out of it. and then i stopped caring about them.

that makes me really sad.

today is a good day

i'm sore and have a little bit of a tummyache. but you know what? today has been awesome.
coz even white boys got to shout. baby got back.

anyway.
350 cereal and milk
+ 300 pasta and sauce
+ 130 cupcake

- 330 elliptical

= 450 for today so far. keeping in mind we're having hamburgers for dinner and mum just cooked a fresh batch of cakes. its hard.

EDIT::
+ 130 another cupcake
+ around 500 hamburger
= 980. so maybe today isn't so good after all.

i mean, i'm going to get used to it but right now, its really difficult. like, sometimes pain is worth it because you know how good it will be when it stops. but sometimes the pain is only worth it because of what you'll get from it, and that it won't (shouldn't) stop. i'm going to get used to feeling empty, and i'm going to enjoy it. because every hour i spend feeling empty, is an hour closer to my goal.

besides, what's better? ten minutes of yum now, or the twentyfour seven delight of being who i want to be?


EDIT::
you know what? i want to talk about it. i want to sit down with someone and tell them what i'm doing, why i'm doing it, what i want, and why i can't have it. but i don't want them to tell me i have problems. i want them to help. to be supportive. to keep me going when i'm feeling weak.

so. talk to me. don't attack me. don't make me feel like i'm an idiot.

please.

i'm a model

I made a virtual me. That's it, up there. I know that it's difficult to judge the way you look, seeing as you can't be objective. That's why I made it. What I was wondering, was does it actually look like me? Because if it does, I can use it as a judgement for myself. If it doesn't, I'll know not to use it.

So yeah. Does it?

post number seventeen

i'm an idiot.

some things are supposed to motivate you.

so how come they don't? i spend more and more time with this stuff, hoping it'll get me off my ass and actually achieving, and yet i still can't do it.


stupid bitch.

everything is ruined forever

why can't i get anything right?

i didn't want to eat any lunch today. in fact, i had my whole fricken day planned out. and then i bought chocolate and a cookie and ruined it. and then when i got home, i ruined it even further.

seriously, don't let me do this. it's killing me with calories and i hate it.

je ne sais rien

je pense que j'ai une probleme. L'autre soir, j'ai ete tres frustree avec moi, pour beaucoup des raisons. Je ne suis pas organisee, et je n'ai rien motivation. Mais, j'ai pensee quelquechose tres mal. "Si je n'ai pas manger aujord'hui, il n'y a pas une probleme". J'ai attribue a la nourriture la responsabilite de ma tristesse.

Je sais que je ne suis pas anorexique. Je ne veux pas etre anorexique, c'est une malade tres mauvaise. Mais je ne sais pas la raison pour mon avis.

C'est effrayant.

but i don't understand!

i just don't understand some things. i mean, take today's qc. i mean, i get the joke. how the cartoonist is distracted by faye and zooms in, cause she's hot. i get that and yes, it's funny. i just don't understand why.

why faye? why not dora? is this comic pandering to a male or female audience? is the gueststripper doing this to faye because he thinks she's hot, or because the comic implies that faye is the hot one? i just don't understand. if faye were real, no one would think she were hot. so why go on about it here? does the gueststripper just have some weird kink? does the original author have a kink to make faye seem the hotter one? maybe he just has a girlfriend who looks like faye.

if anyone has the answers, please please please let me know. it's just one of those things in life that i cannot understand, no matter how hard i try.

twenty six things

a) j writes some serious shit on her blog.
b) today was fun. i feel like a very naughty girl but oh well.
c) harry potter is short. and he has stubble.
d) am possibly revising my views on facial hair. stubble is scratchy.
e) i am high on happy high feelings. its a nice way to be.
f) food is nice. i like it.
g) you are nice. i like you too.
h) i saw laura yesterday. first capers person i've hung out with outside season.
i) that makes me a lazy bitch, hey.
j) i have nothing to whinge about today.
k) which is nice for a change.
l) however, my room is a mess
m) and so is the rest of the house
n) thanks, girls.
o) we're on a mission from god.
p) i should really stop spending money
q) and phone credits
r) on things that i really don't need.
s) i haven't read my book for english yet. or watched my film.
t) i should probably do that.
u) i made an internet friend
v) through a dating site.
w) he asked me what i wanted. and i told him i wanted you.
x) i have stuff to do, so...
y) i'm gonna go. bye everyone!
z) xoxo

grr.


i'm scary.

varekai

lots to say today. firstly, i'd like to point out that last night i went to see varekai. it was fricken awesome, i loved every minute. there were only two problems with it though. the first was, that there were so many things going on onstage that i didn't know where to look. the second, was the king and queen of bogans and their three bogan kids were sitting behind us. that kind of sucked. but we were only six rows back from the stage, and some of the trapeze even flew over us at one point. Now that was cool. seriously, if you ever get the chance to see varekai, or any cirque performance, do it. it's worth every penny.

but it got me thinking. the performers in varekai were so immensely talented. of course, i immediately came home and pretended to be a contortionist, and needless to say, i sucked. it would be so awesome to have a special talent like being a contortionist. or any special talent, for that matter.

it all made me realise i actually have no talents. and i know all of this is my fault - it's my lack of dedication to anything. i get an idea, and i concentrate on that for a little while, but i've usually run out of steam in less than a week. and then i find something else i want to do. i mean, the only i've stuck at for a vaguely considerable amount of time is piano, and i'm not particularly good at that. i mean, i want to be, but every time i sit down to play, it always comes out crap and i hate that. i have no talents whatsoever. and it irritates me something chronic. and the worst part is that i have no one to blame. its my own fucking lack of motivation.

i can't dance, i can't sing, i can't act, i can't draw, i can't play the piano, i can't play a sport, i can't write, i can't get thin, i can't do maths, i can't even figure out who the fuck i am.

true story. i don't know i am. i mean, sure, i'm ally, ha-ha-ha, but i don't actually know who ally is. that's why i'm constantly looking to start again, because if i start all over again, i can build a person, someone who i KNOW. but its ridiculous the extent to which i don't know who i am. i don't know what i want to do with the rest of my life. i don't even know what clothes to wear or how to decorate my room - those things should define me, but they don't.

i know who i want to be. sometimes i want to be like a hotter, australian version of paris hilton or nicole richie. and then there's another someone that i would like to be. i want to be the kind of person who cuts her own hair, has lots of piercings, doesn't give a crap what other people think, refuses to follow trends, smokes, drinks, never eats and is just a general bad person. ii want to be that but i'm too chicken to do it.

but yeah. that's just my little whinge for the day. but i'm going to jamie's this afternoon so that shall be fun. and i'm sitting here in shorts and a tank top because when you are cold you burn more calories. hoorah. i'm fricken freezing.

anyway.
i love you so much. i really do. i swear if you go to melbourne next year and leave me here all alone i will probably shoot you. seriously.


see y'all later.

well. i know i bitch about it a lot, but you know what?




my life rocks.

i write.

i found her number written on a bathroom wall
"call for a good time" it said
i was down and needing something cheerful
so i did.
"who the fuck are you?" she asked when she answered the phone.
i told her my name
and she told me hers
and we got to talking about
life
and things.
before i knew it, we'd been talking for
three hours, or something like it.
she wouldn't tell me where she lived
so the next day
i called her back.
she answered her phone again
and this time she knew who i was.
we started to talk again, but suddenly she had to hang up
said it was her boyfriend.
so i hung up the phone for the night.
but the week after, i called back
she said he wasn’t home, and it was okay for her to talk
to me.
it brightened up my day
and she said it brightened hers too.
i kept calling
week after week
month after month
sometimes her boyfriend was there, but most times he wasn’t
but she never told me where she lived.
then one day she didn’t answer the phone
so i called back an hour later
and let it ring out.
the next day i tried again
and she still didn’t answer.
and the day after, she didn’t pick up her phone
but her boyfriend did
and he asked me if i was the fucker that stole his girlfriend.
i told him i didn’t even know where
she lived.
so i stopped calling. then someone called me.
it was her. she found me in the phone book
and wanted to know if she could stay with me awhile
and i said yes.
i waited up that night until my doorbell rang
somewhere around midnight
and she was there. i recognised her voice
but she had a black eye
and a cut lip
and i asked her if she was okay.
she said she’d be fine when she got back on her feet.

call me for a good time.

mint car

Another day, another blog. You must really be getting sick of these by now.

Anyway, it's holidays now. Which is good. It means I'll have at least an hour every day to exercise. I did 45 mins today. I'm quite proud of myself, seeing as I only stopped because the phone rang. I'm gonna have awesome legs by the end of the hols if I keep this up.

Thinking about jealousy today ((i wonder why?)). Realised I'm not particularly jealous of anyone. I mean, I'm jealous of lots of people, but that's only for one or two aspects of their lives, not the whole thing. Like, I'd love to be Jenny because she's so fricken thin, and she's good at manipulating people. But I'm also glad I'm not her because both her parents are on the dole and she lives in Elizabeth.


Gosh. This is dumb. My brain works in cycles. It's getting to the end of my favourite part, and I'm getting annoyed about that.
See, I start off thinking that I look fine, that I look good even. And then I start thinking how it really wouldn't hurt to lose a few kilos. And then I think that it would be really nice to be a bit thinner. And then I start thinking what a fat pig I am, and how I really need to lose some weight. And then I realise that even if I am fat, lots of other people are too and I (and other people) should be able to accept me for what I am. And then it starts again. My favourite part is the bit where I know I'm fat, and need to do something about it. Because when that part ends, I feel like I'm just being delusional, and comforting myself about something that isn't true. Also, I have the worst arguments with myself just as it's ending. Because I really want that food, but I also know I shouldn't. I've gotta keep the faith, this time.

Cause even when I feel like I'm an okay size, I know deep down inside that it would be better to be thin. And it's easier to get there when I feel like a fat pig.

Because this time I need to succeed.

Because I'm doing it for him.

bones define who we really are. let them show.

okay, so you (my huge amount of people who read this which comes to all of about one) are probably sick of reading these, but this is another fat blog. i need to get this kind of stuff out, i need to write it up here. so, if it makes you uncomfortable, don't read it.

but actually, it's a happy fat blog. admittedly, i stuffed my face with loads and loads of junk today, but i've been doing that every day, and i'm still managing to lose weight. fifty-nine kilos baby! which means i have a bmi of 19.27, which means i only have another two kilos to go until i'm under 19, and once i get to 55 kgs i'll officially be too thin to be a model. that is my ultimate goal. support me in it, okay?

cause seriously. it doesn't matter what else you do in life, if i'm thin, i win.


hah. i sound like such a pro-ana. but i'm seriously not, okay? i don't want an eating disorder, because i know that they are hell to go through, and seriously screw with your system. i don't want other people to get eating disorders. eating disorders are about control, and a diet is about losing weight.

i dont have either of those. what i want is a new way of life.

i want, when people call me fat, to know that they are joking. beyond a doubt.

some things are stupid

caution: sensitive stuff following.

death is stupid. i mean, really really dumb. everyone has to die, yeah i get that, but it's stupid that no one knows what happens when you do.

euphemisms for death: are equally dumb. personally, i am upset more by hearing "passed away" than i am by hearing "died". and that's why euphemisms are dumb.

so is grief, basically. in my opinion and experience, people don't grieve for the departed. they grieve for themselves. for all we know, the one who died is happy-as-larry enjoying themself in heaven for something. or maybe they've just ceased to exist, in which case it doesn't matter because they can't feel anything anyway. the point is, that you don't grieve for the one who died. you grieve for all the things that you will be missing. because that person makes you happy, and if they aren't around, that's one source of happiness you no longer have. you grieve for the opportunities you passed up, opportunities to get to know them better, have fun with them, appreciate something they love. grief is selfish. hence, it is dumb.

but then, i hate all things selfish. i'm not trying to say that i'm completely selfless, because that's not true. it's just selfish things are dumb.

like death. if you die, you've taken yourself away and left me on my own. you selfish bastard.

wishing it would rain, dammit!

hey. i told someone that i'd try and explain something, so here is my attempt at explaining.

first of all, i know i look fine. i'm not stupid, i don't want an eating disorder. but there is a huge difference between looking fine, and looking good. i want to look good.

like, nothing beats the high you get when you know you've lost weight, when you step on the scales and you're a kilo lighter than last week. when you try on those pants that fit you perfect when you got them, and are now a little too big. when you go a whole day without eating. when you can see your bones.

but it sucks to high heaven when you've gained. when you've just stuffed your face with junk that you really didn't need. when you see yourself in the mirror, and can see all your flab. when people touch you and you know they can feel the pudge. when you see a beautiful thin girl, and know that you're not her. when you know that no matter how hard you try, you just don't have the self control to not eat that chocolate cake.


and that's why i care so much.

i'm so postmodern

Omg. I hate maths. For two reasons:

a) I'm getting a C. And Xinyu is getting As. I hate that.
b) I'm in the middle of this really dumb DI and it's hard. And I don't know the derivative of y=3.849sin(0.095x-1.517)+8.499. I could probably work it out but I really can't be stuffed because I just punched 240 numbers into my calculator to get that figure. Which, incidentally, is different from the formula I got when I did it last week. Which means I've got one of them wrong. I'm really hoping its not this week's.

So yeah. And this is only one question out of three. But I'll get over it. When I've finished it actually.

In other news, we went to the K&M Brass Band on Friday night. I'm so insanely jealous of all of them and their playing ability. I wish I was that good.

Yes. And that's all I can be bothered saying at the moment because I'm in a study at school and I'm technically not supposed to be blogging.


EDIT:: Monday Evening.

I should really change the name of this blog to "ally hates stuff". Cause all I ever write about is what I hate. Here's a little update.

I hate not being good at anything. Josh and Holly were trying to make me sing a solo in choir. Which is dumb. Like, I really wouldn't mind doing something like that but most people in our choir have really nice voices and I really can't sing for shit (I pretend I can though). It's worse cause both Holly and Josh sing very good. I just don't want to embarrass myself. Like, I always feel sorry for people who think that they're good at singing (or anything else for that matter) but actually, in reality, they suck. I never, EVER, want to be one of those people.


EVERR.


EDIT:: Later Monday Evening

You know what's really dumb? There's a Miss Black USA. Like Miss Universe, but only black girls can enter. That's dumb. Like, REALLY DUMB. Why isn't there a Miss White USA? I think that it is incredibly stupid.

But I'm just a fat bitch so who cares what I think.

global warming? bullshit.

physics mid-year exam today. seriously wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be. having said that, i probably failed and just don't know that i did. but it's okay. i have about a week to be blissfully ignorant.

today's calorie count - i was sitting on about 800 at the end of the school day. then got home and stuffed myself stupid on bread. which adds about 200 extra calories to my day. that's so annoying. i MUST do better tomorrow.

and i know i said that no one else was going to read this, but i just can't keep it hidden away. that feels wrong to me. so i've put the address in my personal message, and am hoping that its inconspicuous enough that nobody will go here.

and that's all i have time for, folks. i'm talking to josh on msn and i can't really concentrate on anything else when i'm talking to him.

love you all.
Ally xoxo

bienvenue

lol. hi everyone, and welcome to my new blog.

i used to have a blog and i spilled my life onto it, and my friends read it. and commented rather copiously. but i am not telling anyone the address of this blog. the idea of it is to give me a place to vent about stuff. therefore there may be a lot of not-so-nice things on here. but it's better for me to blog them than to say it to someone else.

that was my little disclaimer.

but anyway. tomorrow i have my physics midyear exam. and it's kind of worrying as i'm writing blogs and not studying. but oh well. i know i'll pass.

omfg. today at school was not fun. mel basically told me i should lose weight. she thinks she's so much better than everyone. her and alex. i mean, those two are my friends but sometimes they can be so horrible and bitchy. they go on about things that are just between the two of them when other people are around, making the other people feel left out. they know that i'm not a skinnyminny but they parade around how thin they are in front of me. and they seem to think that nothing anyone can do is as good as what they can. they make out like anyone else's opinion is wrong. and i know that they think i'm fat.

as if that makes a difference. everyone thinks i'm fat. seriously. it's monday today. on saturday, some customer at work implied that i should lose some weight. yesterday mum told me i was too fat to wear the dress that i wanted to wear out and that i should change. and today mel and alex saying how clothes should only go up to a certain size, and how i should lose weight.

i hate it. i hate it so much. i hate how everyone around me is so thin, and i'm so fat. i wish i had the willpower to lose all that stupid weight. i mean, if i could just be 10 kilos thinner i'd be so happy. oh and i've tried. believe me, i've tried. but people are no help at all. they just want me to stay fat so that they look so good next to me. that, or they look at me like i'm crazy whenever i eat something, as if someone my size doesn't deserve to eat. it's true though. i don't deserve to eat. and yet i continually stuff my face with so much food. i hate that i do this to myself. i really do.

and to make things worse, people lie to my face about it. like josh. he tells me i look fine but i know that he's lying. he only says it because he has to. i hate that he lies. i know i'm overweight and i tell him so but he refuses to tell me the truth about what he thinks. i just can't trust his opinion at all. cause i know he's lying to me. i know he does it to make me feel better about myself, but it doesn't help at all. i just feel like crap because he thinks he has to lie for me. i know he's lying because he sees thin girls at school or on tv and says that they're hot. so how could someone like me possibly measure up to that.

and that's why it sucks to be me.