i had lots of interesting things to say

but i forgot them.

someone has a lot to answer for.

and that someone is j.

here's a story from supersplash. i met up with bea, and was introduced to mike, hairy dan, and joe. mike is the most gorgeous nerd i've ever seen in my life (too bad he's bea's beau). hairy dan has big thick sideburns and long long curly hair, which i braided. joe's got a five month old baby with his girlfriend.

anyway, they were all absolutely wonderful people, and on the saturday night i really didn't want to go back to my unit's tents to sleep. bea didn't particularly want to go back to her tent either, so we smooshed into the boy's tent. bea and mike curled up together (of course), hairy dan got in his sleeping bag and me and joe were sharing a blanket. it was a big blanket, and we fit fine under it. we all drifted off to sleep around half past midnight. admittedly, boys and girls sharing a tent is against scout rules but no one really cared by that point.

now here's where we get to the interesting bit. i woke up about half an hour later, not sure what woke me up. everyone else was still asleep. and then i realised. joe was snuggled up next to me. he was holding my hand, and the rest of him was really quite a bit too close for comfort.

i'm not about to blame him for that. he's probably used to sleeping with his girlfriend and just kind of moved into that position while he slept. no biggie.

but i got up and went back to my tent anyway. my cold, lonely tent. and all because of how joe was sleeping. and i felt terrible about it. i still do. i feel like a really bad person.

and i think i only moved because of j. like, i know i would have stayed there if not for him. i've done it before. i've not been comfortable but if it makes the guy happy, its not too much skin off my nose.

but all i could think of was that joe had a girlfriend and shouldn't be doing that. and what would happen if it somehow got back to j.

rant.

rihanna is fat.
beyonce is fat.

why are there so many fat celebrities?

but you know who aren't fat?
the victoria's secret girls.
they are gorgeous.
i want to be them.


also, i appear to have lost a little of what i once had.
like, i always figured it was easy to have guys falling over themselves to get to you.
but today that didn't work. seriously.
i had to say the first word.
admittedly, there was no way i would have ever given that guy a second look, except that i wanted to test out whether i could still do it or not.
cause he was wearing bad clothes.
but still. it makes me sad that he didn't even talk to me first.
he did ask me if i had a boyfriend though.
so i said yes and thoroughly tramped on his idea of getting with me.

but still.



its a little sad.



and i desperately need new clothes.
cause i look fat in everything i have.
except clothes shopping makes me sad now.
because i am such a big size in everything.
*sigh*

i gained weight too. i have a bmi of 20 now.
what the hell?
so i'm not in a great mood.

why can't i be one of those girls
who's legs don't even touch when she stands with her feet together?
why can't i have hip bones
that stick out ALL the time?
why don't my ribs show
as well as my spine, on my back?


i want to be 85% or less of what i am now.
and i want the willpower to do it.


i feel like such a wanorexic sometimes.
like, i crap on about how fat i am
and how i need need NEED to lose it all
but i never do anything about it
in fact, the more i think about being fat, the more i want to eat
what the fuck is wrong with me?
it shouldn't be that hard just to not put food in mouth.


i hate it.