swansong v2.0

millions of people screaming your name
and you played it up for them.
laughing and joking into the mike,
blowing kisses at the girls in the front row.
and i watched you
and i screamed with the rest of them.
screamed your name, over and over,
and sang along to the songs
and dreamed it was just the two of us.

and i never even realised
not until now, not until the roadies have packed up and left
i never even realised who you sang to
and it wasn't the thousands,
the thousands who paid for tickets,
and it wasn't yourself,
and it wasn't anyone else;
that you were singing to me.

so now
when there's no one around
no crowds, no lights, no big-bass amps
and i'm perfectly alone.

so now,
i'm singing to you.

freaks + swansong

freaks

and the freaks come out at night
and the strangers come out at night
and the fiends come out at night
and i come out at night

obviously thats just four lines. but i can't think of any more.

swansong

when you were up there
singing to the crowd
i saw you up there
and they screamed, they screamed so loud for you
hundreds of people
looking straight at you
thousands of people
and anyone could see they loved you

i never noticed
you weren't singing to them
i never realised
it was all for me
i clapped and cheered with all the rest
and didn't see the look on your face
when i wasn't smiling at you

oh yeah. thats crap. i have like a picture in my head of what its supposed to look like, unfortunately pictures don't go too well into words for me right now.

neon

shining in eleven shades of neon
flashing through from yellow to pink
shining in eleven shades of neon

and it's all cause you're here
running tripping spinning slipping
and it's all cause you're near
upside down and always tipping

it doesn't stop
doesn't stop
doesn't stop
so fast its like a st-st-stutter
a blast i only know
when you passed me by

shining in eleven shades of neon
flashing through from yellow to pink
shining in eleven shades of neon

and it's all cause you're here
running tripping spinning slipping
and it's all cause you're near
upside down and always tipping

eleven super bright shades of neon
just like the lights on hindley street
shining in eleven shades of neon
strobing in time to a super bright beat

just doing shots
double shots
triple shots
you make me feel so t-t-tipsy
an ache i only feel
when you shake me over


shining in eleven shades of neon
flashing through from yellow to pink
shining in eleven shades of neon

and it's all cause you're here
running tripping spinning slipping
and it's all cause you're near
upside down and always tipping

eleven super bright shades of neon
just like the lights on hindley street
shining in eleven shades of neon
strobing in time to a super bright beat

other people's opinions.

they do matter.
i have many opinions of people. and i think that my opinion of somebody else matters. therefore, it's only fair that their opinion of me matters too.

fairness aside, it really truly does matter. people treat you differently depending on what they think of you. if you have a choice of two movies, one which you think well of and one which you don't, you will choose the one you think well of. every time.

when you feel like everything you care about, even a little bit, everything you thought might help define you, has been commandeered and stolen by somebody else, it's horrible. it's even worse when all of a sudden everyone can see that the other person 'cares about them more' or 'is better at it' or is just plain more likable. where does that leave you? you want so badly to keep people away from the other one, but you know that every time you try, it just makes you look worse.

i met someone at gangshow. he's not really a friend at this point, but seemed kind of cool and someone i wanted to get to know better. wonder of wonders, a couple of days later he added me to his myspace friends! i figured he found me on someone else from gangshow's friends, knew i was a gang member, and thought it was a good idea to add me. seems to me to be the perfect opportunity to say hi, maybe make proper friends. so you go to his myspace, to comment him with something like 'thanks for the add' or whatever, spark a conversation. and then you discover that his last five comments are from mel. i left myspace. i couldn't comment on it after that. i just couldn't. it's like "hey, i don't know you but i'd like to" vs. someone else, who i dont even know HOW she knows him, and is clearly quite friendly. that's just one thing, its the most recent so it's what i thought of first.

people post bulletins on myspace saying how awesome she is. these same people are suppoesd to be my friends too, and i get no such bulletins posted about me. isn't that just proof that i'm just not up to scratch? it's not their fault, i know they're not trying to push me out and that they are still my friends, but it just shows me how much better they think she is. and i can't try and push myself up to that, because i know i'd only be doing it because of her, and that's even worse than not doing anything at all.

everything that i pride myself on, she manages to turn around and do better for herself. i love my shows, i really do. yet somehow she gets more and better parts, and everyone i know tells me how talented she is. even people who are supposed to be there for me. i've played the piano for most of my life, and music is something i really enjoy. but uni has been eating my head lately, and i haven't had a chance to play at all. mel's piano teacher is pushing her, and reckons she'll have grade 8 done before the end of year 12. all i managed was grade 6. we were bought a guitar a couple of years ago, and i genuinely wanted to learn to play, but mel lost the book, so i couldn't. but she tries to teach herself, and all of a sudden can play the guitar. and i can't, and there's no point even trying to learn because i'll always be behind and it'd be obvious that she had the initiative to do it herself and i didn't. shit like that. all the time. for ages i didn't give a shit what people though, and i did and i wore whatever i liked. mel's always been the conformist, and that's something i had that she didn't. but in the past couple of years she's decided to do whatever the hell she wants too, and everyone loves everything she does. the things i want to do, everyone hates. all the time, and they tell me so, and obviously that makes me want to do less things than i first think of. i know it was a long time ago, but that haircut was totally not what anyone else was doing at the time, and something i really wanted. and it turned out there were like five people i knew who liked it. everyone else told me it was bad. i want to get my septum pierced (when i get around to it) but just about everyone that it gets mentioned to tells me "no don't do that it'd look shit on you". thanks, everyone. i guess i just make shitty decisions all the time. i wouldn't care if everyone didn't love it, i just wish everyone didn't hate the decisions i make.

she's fucking prettier too. i can see that. i'm not being stupid about this or anything, its true. i can see it, and so can everyone else. her myspace pics have shitloads of comments going "mel you're soooo pretty" or "such a hotti". and no one ever ever says anything like that to me.


somewhere along the line my self-confidence has disappeared.

"if your self-esteem is so bad that you take any of her achievements as a blow to yourself, then you have serious problems."
that's what they said to me.

and the worst part is? i tried, a couple of times, to explain to mum how much i dislike her and why, and you know what? i was told that i am a right royal bitch to her most of the time, and all she ever does is try for my approval (i think she might be lying about the second part, but for this i'm going to assume she is telling the truth). doesn't that make me a horrible person? she pretty much told me that: you hate someone who is only trying to make you like her, and do good things for you. you are horrible to her, yet she still likes you.
and the horrible, horrible, horrible part of that is it might be true. i am actually the 'bad' one.


i am actually the 'bad' one.

and i hate it. i hate it so much. and i don't know what i'm supposed to do.

i don't know what i'm supposed to do.

i don't know what i'm supposed to do.

so i do nothing. and it steadily steadily gets worse.

i hate myself for the way i am.

can't come quickly

spread your wings and fly to daddy
take a dive and swim to daddy
hit the floor and crawl to daddy.

that's probably a pretty awesome song.
both of them are.