hey. i told someone that i'd try and explain something, so here is my attempt at explaining.
first of all, i know i look fine. i'm not stupid, i don't want an eating disorder. but there is a huge difference between looking fine, and looking good. i want to look good.
like, nothing beats the high you get when you know you've lost weight, when you step on the scales and you're a kilo lighter than last week. when you try on those pants that fit you perfect when you got them, and are now a little too big. when you go a whole day without eating. when you can see your bones.
but it sucks to high heaven when you've gained. when you've just stuffed your face with junk that you really didn't need. when you see yourself in the mirror, and can see all your flab. when people touch you and you know they can feel the pudge. when you see a beautiful thin girl, and know that you're not her. when you know that no matter how hard you try, you just don't have the self control to not eat that chocolate cake.
and that's why i care so much.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
i'm so postmodern
Omg. I hate maths. For two reasons:
a) I'm getting a C. And Xinyu is getting As. I hate that.
b) I'm in the middle of this really dumb DI and it's hard. And I don't know the derivative of y=3.849sin(0.095x-1.517)+8.499. I could probably work it out but I really can't be stuffed because I just punched 240 numbers into my calculator to get that figure. Which, incidentally, is different from the formula I got when I did it last week. Which means I've got one of them wrong. I'm really hoping its not this week's.
So yeah. And this is only one question out of three. But I'll get over it. When I've finished it actually.
In other news, we went to the K&M Brass Band on Friday night. I'm so insanely jealous of all of them and their playing ability. I wish I was that good.
Yes. And that's all I can be bothered saying at the moment because I'm in a study at school and I'm technically not supposed to be blogging.
EDIT:: Monday Evening.
I should really change the name of this blog to "ally hates stuff". Cause all I ever write about is what I hate. Here's a little update.
I hate not being good at anything. Josh and Holly were trying to make me sing a solo in choir. Which is dumb. Like, I really wouldn't mind doing something like that but most people in our choir have really nice voices and I really can't sing for shit (I pretend I can though). It's worse cause both Holly and Josh sing very good. I just don't want to embarrass myself. Like, I always feel sorry for people who think that they're good at singing (or anything else for that matter) but actually, in reality, they suck. I never, EVER, want to be one of those people.
EVERR.
EDIT:: Later Monday Evening
You know what's really dumb? There's a Miss Black USA. Like Miss Universe, but only black girls can enter. That's dumb. Like, REALLY DUMB. Why isn't there a Miss White USA? I think that it is incredibly stupid.
But I'm just a fat bitch so who cares what I think.
a) I'm getting a C. And Xinyu is getting As. I hate that.
b) I'm in the middle of this really dumb DI and it's hard. And I don't know the derivative of y=3.849sin(0.095x-1.517)+8.499. I could probably work it out but I really can't be stuffed because I just punched 240 numbers into my calculator to get that figure. Which, incidentally, is different from the formula I got when I did it last week. Which means I've got one of them wrong. I'm really hoping its not this week's.
So yeah. And this is only one question out of three. But I'll get over it. When I've finished it actually.
In other news, we went to the K&M Brass Band on Friday night. I'm so insanely jealous of all of them and their playing ability. I wish I was that good.
Yes. And that's all I can be bothered saying at the moment because I'm in a study at school and I'm technically not supposed to be blogging.
EDIT:: Monday Evening.
I should really change the name of this blog to "ally hates stuff". Cause all I ever write about is what I hate. Here's a little update.
I hate not being good at anything. Josh and Holly were trying to make me sing a solo in choir. Which is dumb. Like, I really wouldn't mind doing something like that but most people in our choir have really nice voices and I really can't sing for shit (I pretend I can though). It's worse cause both Holly and Josh sing very good. I just don't want to embarrass myself. Like, I always feel sorry for people who think that they're good at singing (or anything else for that matter) but actually, in reality, they suck. I never, EVER, want to be one of those people.
EVERR.
EDIT:: Later Monday Evening
You know what's really dumb? There's a Miss Black USA. Like Miss Universe, but only black girls can enter. That's dumb. Like, REALLY DUMB. Why isn't there a Miss White USA? I think that it is incredibly stupid.
But I'm just a fat bitch so who cares what I think.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
global warming? bullshit.
physics mid-year exam today. seriously wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be. having said that, i probably failed and just don't know that i did. but it's okay. i have about a week to be blissfully ignorant.
today's calorie count - i was sitting on about 800 at the end of the school day. then got home and stuffed myself stupid on bread. which adds about 200 extra calories to my day. that's so annoying. i MUST do better tomorrow.
and i know i said that no one else was going to read this, but i just can't keep it hidden away. that feels wrong to me. so i've put the address in my personal message, and am hoping that its inconspicuous enough that nobody will go here.
and that's all i have time for, folks. i'm talking to josh on msn and i can't really concentrate on anything else when i'm talking to him.
love you all.
Ally xoxo
today's calorie count - i was sitting on about 800 at the end of the school day. then got home and stuffed myself stupid on bread. which adds about 200 extra calories to my day. that's so annoying. i MUST do better tomorrow.
and i know i said that no one else was going to read this, but i just can't keep it hidden away. that feels wrong to me. so i've put the address in my personal message, and am hoping that its inconspicuous enough that nobody will go here.
and that's all i have time for, folks. i'm talking to josh on msn and i can't really concentrate on anything else when i'm talking to him.
love you all.
Ally xoxo
Monday, June 18, 2007
bienvenue
lol. hi everyone, and welcome to my new blog.
i used to have a blog and i spilled my life onto it, and my friends read it. and commented rather copiously. but i am not telling anyone the address of this blog. the idea of it is to give me a place to vent about stuff. therefore there may be a lot of not-so-nice things on here. but it's better for me to blog them than to say it to someone else.
that was my little disclaimer.
but anyway. tomorrow i have my physics midyear exam. and it's kind of worrying as i'm writing blogs and not studying. but oh well. i know i'll pass.
omfg. today at school was not fun. mel basically told me i should lose weight. she thinks she's so much better than everyone. her and alex. i mean, those two are my friends but sometimes they can be so horrible and bitchy. they go on about things that are just between the two of them when other people are around, making the other people feel left out. they know that i'm not a skinnyminny but they parade around how thin they are in front of me. and they seem to think that nothing anyone can do is as good as what they can. they make out like anyone else's opinion is wrong. and i know that they think i'm fat.
as if that makes a difference. everyone thinks i'm fat. seriously. it's monday today. on saturday, some customer at work implied that i should lose some weight. yesterday mum told me i was too fat to wear the dress that i wanted to wear out and that i should change. and today mel and alex saying how clothes should only go up to a certain size, and how i should lose weight.
i hate it. i hate it so much. i hate how everyone around me is so thin, and i'm so fat. i wish i had the willpower to lose all that stupid weight. i mean, if i could just be 10 kilos thinner i'd be so happy. oh and i've tried. believe me, i've tried. but people are no help at all. they just want me to stay fat so that they look so good next to me. that, or they look at me like i'm crazy whenever i eat something, as if someone my size doesn't deserve to eat. it's true though. i don't deserve to eat. and yet i continually stuff my face with so much food. i hate that i do this to myself. i really do.
and to make things worse, people lie to my face about it. like josh. he tells me i look fine but i know that he's lying. he only says it because he has to. i hate that he lies. i know i'm overweight and i tell him so but he refuses to tell me the truth about what he thinks. i just can't trust his opinion at all. cause i know he's lying to me. i know he does it to make me feel better about myself, but it doesn't help at all. i just feel like crap because he thinks he has to lie for me. i know he's lying because he sees thin girls at school or on tv and says that they're hot. so how could someone like me possibly measure up to that.
and that's why it sucks to be me.
i used to have a blog and i spilled my life onto it, and my friends read it. and commented rather copiously. but i am not telling anyone the address of this blog. the idea of it is to give me a place to vent about stuff. therefore there may be a lot of not-so-nice things on here. but it's better for me to blog them than to say it to someone else.
that was my little disclaimer.
but anyway. tomorrow i have my physics midyear exam. and it's kind of worrying as i'm writing blogs and not studying. but oh well. i know i'll pass.
omfg. today at school was not fun. mel basically told me i should lose weight. she thinks she's so much better than everyone. her and alex. i mean, those two are my friends but sometimes they can be so horrible and bitchy. they go on about things that are just between the two of them when other people are around, making the other people feel left out. they know that i'm not a skinnyminny but they parade around how thin they are in front of me. and they seem to think that nothing anyone can do is as good as what they can. they make out like anyone else's opinion is wrong. and i know that they think i'm fat.
as if that makes a difference. everyone thinks i'm fat. seriously. it's monday today. on saturday, some customer at work implied that i should lose some weight. yesterday mum told me i was too fat to wear the dress that i wanted to wear out and that i should change. and today mel and alex saying how clothes should only go up to a certain size, and how i should lose weight.
i hate it. i hate it so much. i hate how everyone around me is so thin, and i'm so fat. i wish i had the willpower to lose all that stupid weight. i mean, if i could just be 10 kilos thinner i'd be so happy. oh and i've tried. believe me, i've tried. but people are no help at all. they just want me to stay fat so that they look so good next to me. that, or they look at me like i'm crazy whenever i eat something, as if someone my size doesn't deserve to eat. it's true though. i don't deserve to eat. and yet i continually stuff my face with so much food. i hate that i do this to myself. i really do.
and to make things worse, people lie to my face about it. like josh. he tells me i look fine but i know that he's lying. he only says it because he has to. i hate that he lies. i know i'm overweight and i tell him so but he refuses to tell me the truth about what he thinks. i just can't trust his opinion at all. cause i know he's lying to me. i know he does it to make me feel better about myself, but it doesn't help at all. i just feel like crap because he thinks he has to lie for me. i know he's lying because he sees thin girls at school or on tv and says that they're hot. so how could someone like me possibly measure up to that.
and that's why it sucks to be me.
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