mint car

Another day, another blog. You must really be getting sick of these by now.

Anyway, it's holidays now. Which is good. It means I'll have at least an hour every day to exercise. I did 45 mins today. I'm quite proud of myself, seeing as I only stopped because the phone rang. I'm gonna have awesome legs by the end of the hols if I keep this up.

Thinking about jealousy today ((i wonder why?)). Realised I'm not particularly jealous of anyone. I mean, I'm jealous of lots of people, but that's only for one or two aspects of their lives, not the whole thing. Like, I'd love to be Jenny because she's so fricken thin, and she's good at manipulating people. But I'm also glad I'm not her because both her parents are on the dole and she lives in Elizabeth.


Gosh. This is dumb. My brain works in cycles. It's getting to the end of my favourite part, and I'm getting annoyed about that.
See, I start off thinking that I look fine, that I look good even. And then I start thinking how it really wouldn't hurt to lose a few kilos. And then I think that it would be really nice to be a bit thinner. And then I start thinking what a fat pig I am, and how I really need to lose some weight. And then I realise that even if I am fat, lots of other people are too and I (and other people) should be able to accept me for what I am. And then it starts again. My favourite part is the bit where I know I'm fat, and need to do something about it. Because when that part ends, I feel like I'm just being delusional, and comforting myself about something that isn't true. Also, I have the worst arguments with myself just as it's ending. Because I really want that food, but I also know I shouldn't. I've gotta keep the faith, this time.

Cause even when I feel like I'm an okay size, I know deep down inside that it would be better to be thin. And it's easier to get there when I feel like a fat pig.

Because this time I need to succeed.

Because I'm doing it for him.