varekai

lots to say today. firstly, i'd like to point out that last night i went to see varekai. it was fricken awesome, i loved every minute. there were only two problems with it though. the first was, that there were so many things going on onstage that i didn't know where to look. the second, was the king and queen of bogans and their three bogan kids were sitting behind us. that kind of sucked. but we were only six rows back from the stage, and some of the trapeze even flew over us at one point. Now that was cool. seriously, if you ever get the chance to see varekai, or any cirque performance, do it. it's worth every penny.

but it got me thinking. the performers in varekai were so immensely talented. of course, i immediately came home and pretended to be a contortionist, and needless to say, i sucked. it would be so awesome to have a special talent like being a contortionist. or any special talent, for that matter.

it all made me realise i actually have no talents. and i know all of this is my fault - it's my lack of dedication to anything. i get an idea, and i concentrate on that for a little while, but i've usually run out of steam in less than a week. and then i find something else i want to do. i mean, the only i've stuck at for a vaguely considerable amount of time is piano, and i'm not particularly good at that. i mean, i want to be, but every time i sit down to play, it always comes out crap and i hate that. i have no talents whatsoever. and it irritates me something chronic. and the worst part is that i have no one to blame. its my own fucking lack of motivation.

i can't dance, i can't sing, i can't act, i can't draw, i can't play the piano, i can't play a sport, i can't write, i can't get thin, i can't do maths, i can't even figure out who the fuck i am.

true story. i don't know i am. i mean, sure, i'm ally, ha-ha-ha, but i don't actually know who ally is. that's why i'm constantly looking to start again, because if i start all over again, i can build a person, someone who i KNOW. but its ridiculous the extent to which i don't know who i am. i don't know what i want to do with the rest of my life. i don't even know what clothes to wear or how to decorate my room - those things should define me, but they don't.

i know who i want to be. sometimes i want to be like a hotter, australian version of paris hilton or nicole richie. and then there's another someone that i would like to be. i want to be the kind of person who cuts her own hair, has lots of piercings, doesn't give a crap what other people think, refuses to follow trends, smokes, drinks, never eats and is just a general bad person. ii want to be that but i'm too chicken to do it.

but yeah. that's just my little whinge for the day. but i'm going to jamie's this afternoon so that shall be fun. and i'm sitting here in shorts and a tank top because when you are cold you burn more calories. hoorah. i'm fricken freezing.

anyway.
i love you so much. i really do. i swear if you go to melbourne next year and leave me here all alone i will probably shoot you. seriously.


see y'all later.